Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
