dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
