Whatcha textin bout Willis?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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