there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
