Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
My cat gives me a boner
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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