She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
