I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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