tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
