i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
