Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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