i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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