It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
