my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
