you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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