i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
