My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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