So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
