My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
