I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
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