A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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