She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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