There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
