I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
