Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
