I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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