i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
