How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
kristin has been a bad kristin
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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