i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
