i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
