I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
