hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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