He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
