what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize