i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
he told me I talked like a deaf person
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
