While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Randomize
