also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I am naked and annoyed.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
