Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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