How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
he puts the penis in happiness.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
