I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
