God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I deserve this hangover.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize