She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
