I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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