i permit you to call me
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
