ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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