my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He better not be in your backpack
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
