The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
the liver wants what the liver wants
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Randomize
