ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
