Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
