Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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