I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
