When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize