well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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