So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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