in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
