I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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