You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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