I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
