$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
