I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
