Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
