i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
They have beer where we have blood.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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