I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
