My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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