He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Randomize
